SATC S01E07

I felt like a fool. I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn't realise I was standing out there alone. When life gets this confusing, sometimes there's only one thing to do, attend a fabulous party.
- Carrie Bradshaw

Time heals all wounds.

Screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2 AM and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you.

Today I saw my first ex for the very first time in 2 years. We've talked a few times in between, but never face-to-face. We only interacted for a brief 15 minutes, but I'm really proud of us when three (even two) years ago we couldn't even be in the same room together, let alone hug each other. We've come a long way from the stubborn teenagers we were all those years ago.

Our on-again-off-again relationship had always been rocky, yet despite all the arguments, jealousy and nasty things we did to get each other back, we always tried to work it out.

Whenever people bring him up, I'm quick to remember the bad things and why it didn't work out.. It is very opposite from the rose coloured glasses that I see my other exes from. It was a very bitter break up and I'm sure anyone who knew either of us were probably just as annoyed with us as we all are with Ronnie & Sammi nowadays. A lot of my friends must think he was a shitty boyfriend, and I'm not gonna lie, he wasn't the best. However, I do have to give credit where it's due. We put up with a lot of each other's shit and for two years we kept trying and we stuck by each other through the good, bad and a lot of ugly.

We'll never go back to being the best friends we once were before we dated, and I'm okay with that. Maybe we'll always have this love-hate relationship, but at the end of the day love will always overcome the hate I feel even if it means loving from afar.

Just an (over)-thought.

I went to the sushi place next door during my break today and had an unagi don for the first time. It wasn't intentional-- I actually ordered a "tuna don" but I guess they heard "unagi don" instead. I am a creature of habit so I decided that this was a good time to finally try something new AND it was their daily special and came with free miso soup. Score!

I knew perfectly well what unagi is as the word had been permanently embedded in my head after that episode of Friends when Ross kept saying it. Eel. But I was feeling brave and it was covered in teriyaki sauce and sesame seeds and looked really appetizing. It was tasting really good at first. Different texture, but good nonetheless. Anyway, as I was eating, K gives me a call and I share with him my enlightenment.

L: Guess what? I'm having unagi for the first time.
K: Yummy! How are you liking it?
L: It's actually pretty good, I'm surprised.
K: It is good. I usually have to lie to my friends to even get them to try it. They like it but when they find out what it is, they don't want to eat it anymore.
L: Over-thinking ruins food. Just close your eyes, put it in your mouth and enjoy.
K: That's what she said!

After the phone call, I started thinking about eels. How slimy they are... how wiggly they are... how gross they looked alive. And All of a sudden, the unagi I was eating wasn't so appetizing anymore. I thought my throat was getting electrically shocked as it went down and it kind of made me want gag. I had two morsels of it left and I hate to waste food, so I just shoved it in my mouth and chased it down with my free miso soup. Needless to say, I won't be ordering it again anytime soon.

Anyway, this had me thinking (perhaps over-thinking) about how we much we enjoy something and we ruin it by over-analyzing it. This happens to everything: food, drinks, life, experiences and of course, relationships. I am guilty of being a repeat offender of this heinous crime. I know how loca I can get when I'm in a relationship. (Hey now, admitting is the first step to recovery.)

The scene goes something like this: Everything is going so well in your new relationship. You become comfortable and just so used to certain things: wake up calls, texts checkin' on you throughout the day, good night calls etc. These things become routine-- they become expected. Then you have a busy week and there's just no time for these petty and trivial things. Then you start to trip: Why didn't he wake me up this morning? Does he not care? He isn't texting me as often! Where is he and who is he fucking? He didn't put a heart at the end of his texts! He must not love me anymore! LOCA. I TOLD YOU. Because up until this point, there was NOTHING that would have made you think this otherwise.

As psycho as I am, I don't blast out all these irrational thoughts of mine and I don't act upon the crazy ball-bustin', go-ape-shit urges I get (ex: busting down the door of his house ready to crack a beer bottle on his face). Instead, I keep them locked up in my mind where they float around and drive me even craaaaaaazier.

I do pride myself for not acting out irrationally. Slap me if I ever do. But then again, I also think, "hell, slap me for even thinking these in the first place!" You end drive yourself over the edge with your unreasonable assumptions, that next time you end up reading into everything that proves your accusation and ignore the rest that don't. Insecurities. Jealousy. Gut feelings. These thoughts come from everywhere and we can't help it. We're girls. We all do it. I bet even the flyest, most confident chick does it from time-to-time too.

I'm not saying that these thoughts are always bad. Sometimes gut feelings are there for a reason and you shouldn't turn a blind eye to things that are legit deal-breakers. It's just when we let these thoughts run wild and ruin a perfectly good thing because of it, that we have a problem.

Before you go jumping and beating on your man for not returning your phone call immediately, STOP YOURSELF. SLAP YOURSELF. CHECK YOURSELF. Unless there's reason AND EVIDENCE for you to believe otherwise; most of the time, it's all in our heads. He's probably sleeping in this morning and you woke up before him. He's probably busy cramming for an exam to text you. And he didn't put a heart because he wanted to tell you he loved you out loud.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to these whack-ass thoughts.

No love lost where love never was.

My friends can attest that I've never been one to adhere to the rules of relationships or break ups. I preach them and I know I should follow them, but alas, I fail to do so. Forgive me.

After all the shit you pulled afterward, the question on everybody's mind is "Why the fuck is this guy still a part of your life?" and they all warned me, "Don't be a foolish heart."

I've been told far too many times that you and I have got a weird dynamic. That given everything that has happened between us, we shouldn't be this close. We shouldn't be having study sessions. We shouldn't be working out together and seeing each other get all hot and sweaty. We shouldn't be calling each other during those 5 minute walks to the bus stop. We shouldn't be going for fish and chips on Mondays or having wings on Wednesdays. Shouldn't, but we do. Routine? A little bit. Appreciation of good company? That sounds more like it.

It's probably the fact that you didn't break my heart that I am still able to tolerate being around you. Because although I let down my defenses and immersed myself in the comfortable, euphoric feeling that being around you gave me; you still never penetrated through to my heart.

Not once have I ever substituted the feeling of being wanted by you; the feeling of being needed by you; or the feeling of being cared for by you as the feeling of being loved by you.

This much is true: My eyes were captivated by what they saw. My nose was fond of what it smelled. My ears fancied what they heard. My lips lusted for the pressure of your lips. My tongue relished the taste of you. My skin adored the feeling of yours against it. And my brain was enamoured with the idea of you-- the idea of us. But my heart? My heart wasn't so foolish after all.

Gone.

(I can't seem to find a clip in English, but you get it.)

Ted: Robin and I had a moment at the gym today.
[earlier at the gym, Ted walks in on Robin grunting loudly as she bench presses]
Ted: You know how some exes can't be friends because of all that lingering sexual tension?
Robin: Yeah?
Ted: Gone. Thank you.

Remember that How I Met Your Mother episode (The Yips) when Ted and Robin still had that sexual tension between them right after their break up? Then they finally had that "moment" at the gym when they finally became turned off from each other?

I think I just had that moment.

It wasn't so much what I saw physically that turned me off. It's more of what I saw that said something about his character when we hung out today.

I held the illusion of the him I knew up on a pedestal. The him I gave everything to. Unfortunately, that person I knew is gone. Instead he's replaced by this guy-- who is still nice to me and cares about me-- but who can be quite the insensitive ass sometime. This time I wasn't surprised nor affected at all. It's not that I'm used to being disappointed by him. Rather it's me-- finally doing me and not being phased about what some man boy is doing behind my back.

Real talk: grown men don't pull shit like that. So I'm gonna go find me a man now. No more of this little boy bullshit. Thanks to what I saw, now I can finally say, "Gone."

Thank you.

I got you.

I opened up my psychotherapy textbook and a prescription note fell out. It was from the time I accompanied K to the doctor when he was really sick. Seeing that note made this particular moment flash before my eyes.

"Babe, I'm worried about you."

"I don't want to go through this again. Also, maybe it's best if we stop seeing each other and you go look for other guys."

".... Why would you say that?"

"Because... I just met you... It would be selfish to lean on you."

"I don't care."

"But I do. It just wouldn't be fair."

"Seeing each other or not, I'm still gonna be here for you. I would be a shitty friend if I left you when you need me the most."

There you have it, babe. Although we're drifting apart, I'm gonna stay true to what I said. It's as true now just as much as it was then. You best believe that.

168 Days of K.

You were that guy with the hard exterior, which is why I was bewildered at how benevolent you were when we first spoke on that crisp, September morning. I was still half-asleep and you were a refreshing burst of “morning-person energy”. Perhaps it was the fact that you lived where my ex lived and worked where he once worked, that immediately made me feel familiar with you; but speaking with you came so effortlessly.

I played it cool and nonchalant when we exchanged numbers that October afternoon. Somewhere between our flirting and back and forth texting, I became enticed. Busing to work on Sunday mornings and taking our lunch breaks together became routine. I liked being around you for we never could run out of things to joke about.

Maybe it was the pressure from third parties that made that one November evening awkward for the both of us. Perhaps it was the tequila-fueled events or my pride that simply wouldn’t allow me to admit to you the truth; but I was convinced that I had blown my chance.

On the contrary, that evening brought feelings to the surface and as we spoke on the phone all those nights following, I was pleasantly surprised at your gentleness and the softness of your tone as we got to know each other outside of a work context. As we talked, I learned about your childhood and your ambitions for the future. It was your charm, your wit and semblance that had intrigued me; but it was your drive, your passion and your openness that had made me stay. You just had a way of making me feel at ease that made me desire to be around you.

It was around the midnight hour, that you and I recapped that night’s events and guffawed at how funny things worked out sometimes. Neither of us expected this, yet we couldn't deny that the other was something special. We sat around a café table and sipped on tea as we compiled a list of things we planned to do together. You wanted to meet my parents and told me of the friends you wanted to introduce me to. We chatted all night until I had to go home, and although you were sleepy, you called to continue our intimate discussion. We joked that an early bird like you and a night owl like me could never sync but we swore that we’d try.

Do you remember that late December night in your bed? I tried my best not to stir you awake. When you realized I was still conscious, you laid there with me. We laid there—the only physical contact were our hands brushing—as I let my walls come down and allowed you to see the vulnerability underneath the nonchalant façade I had seemingly perfected. We exchanged more stories of our past and I confided in you my insecurities that stemmed from jaded experiences. You listened. You wiped my tears and you comforted. Most importantly, you accepted. I had never felt more close to you than as I did that night.

I accredit that late night to the diminishment of my cautious and wary mentality. Up until that point I was merely dipping my feet in the water. I had found myself going deeper and deeper as the days progressed but I was jaded so I was always careful. After that very late night, I decided not to fight the feelings anymore. When we awoke the next day, I had found myself submerged… deep… in the waves of you.

It was at dawn in the middle of January, when I finally accepted that this wouldn’t go any further. Just like that, my walls came back up. I once again perfected that nonchalant façade. “Me? I’m great. I’m onto the next.”

The following month was a blur. I became defensive when we talked. I was desperate to prove that I was indifferent and unaffected. All the while plotting in my head how I could possibly show you how great we had it. Even after my whisky-induced confession, I rejected your proposal to talk things over. Instead, I digressed and acted like it never happened. Even after what I had seen, I continued to fight pointlessly for someone who had already given up on me. After my rebellion that last night in February, I finally had an epiphany.

When I awoke that morning on the first of March, I knew I had to distance myself from you. I was proud that I was able to. Unfortunately, as a result of that distance, I feel that you are now that guy with the hard exterior I had once thought you to be, and this time I can no longer penetrate through.

I often joke with my friends that it was the physical aspect that I miss most. But it isn’t. I miss the conversations we had. We used to chuckle at the fact that even your friends noticed that you talked differently when you were around me. You were cheesy. You swore less. You were more affable. I wish we could just go back to those days when we’re sitting around your kitchen table, sipping on homemade green tea lattes and laughing about what we’d name our kids. I remember your tired eyes and how they lit up when you looked at me. I miss how comfortable I was around you and how I could let my guard down.

We talk on the phone these days because we’re used to routine. Alas, it’s not the same. You seem cold. You feel distant. I miss that tenderness of your voice when you speak. I miss your quirkiness and your gentleness. I yearn for that emotional intimacy. But those days are gone. When we converse now, it’s not the same. It's not supposed to be. I’ll learn to get used to it. I have to. I guess it was impossible for a night owl like me to expect to go through days perfectly in sync with an early bird like you.

Hey, at least we tried.